


Night That Must Not Be Mentioned (NTMNBM)

by arinn



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining Levi, Unrequited Love, attempt at angst at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 06:56:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4381781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arinn/pseuds/arinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After what felt like a long time, Eren finally said. "That was not all, though."</p>
<p>Levi turned on his side again, staring at Eren's determined eyes. "What is it, then?"</p>
<p>"I mean... I was thinking... You're my best friend, right?" He paused for a bit and Levi gave the smallest nods. 'As if he needs comfirmation for that...' "Then... Who would be better to give my first kiss than... you" His voice small by the time he finished the sentence.</p>
<p>Levi blinked once. Twice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night That Must Not Be Mentioned (NTMNBM)

**Author's Note:**

> Why do I love making my babies suffer? Why do I love unrequited pining and pining Levi? Why did I thought it would be good to put these two together? Well, have this anyway. (This is my first SNK fanfiction with more than 500 words ever! yay). ((English is not my first language, sorry for any error)).

There is one time of the night where deep thinking and emotional speeches prevail during a conversation, especially between best friends. For Levi, it's between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m.. Past that, we get to the stage of 'laughing at absolutely everything' and all philosophical thoughts are gone.

That's why, when at precisely 3:37 a.m., Eren starts talking about feelings and the void of the universe and the most common 'why are we here' head chat, he doesn't have in himself to dismiss what he's saying.

"I mean, we ain't making any significant change to the world, so why do we have to go to college, and get a degree and live the rest of our lifes in a miserable desk job. Why do we fool ourselves with thinking there's more? Relationships are just distractions we feed to our inevitable end."

"Mm."

There's not much Levi can't answer to that. He's thought about all that before, when his head is full and all he wants is to get a good sleep, those are the thoughts that plague him. He can curse his imsonnia all he wants, but it won't make it go away. "I really don't feel like talking about our meaningless deaths." Being a grumpy economics major college guy is already depressing enough.

Eren turns around, laying on his side facing Levi. They're both sprawled on Armin's living room floor after spending a few hours drinking and laughing and partying with their friends. Everyone else already went home or to sleep in some more comfortable corner. Eren sighs once and shifts a bit and that's when Levi realizes he has something more relevant to talk about. He turns around, both facing each other.

"You know..." He moists his lips with his tongue before continuing and Levi is definitely not following that action. "I got something kinda embarrassing to share."

Ah, so that was it. During the high hours of the night it was also very common for the mouth to be completely uninhibited and that's when the secrets started spilling. The booze they drank also helped.

"What do you mean, there's not much secrets we keep between us, right?" He tries to smile a bit, it's easy with Eren because they've been best friends since they were nine and Eren decided it would be a good idea to throw mud in Levi's pants. Look at where that got them. 'No, not so bad' he fully smiled at the thought.

"Ah, well..." Eren fidgeted more. "You know I'm not a prideful person, but I guess this always been like a hole in my armor. I mean, I know it's not something to be ashamed of but uh, I'm 23 already, that's probably enough laughing stock to last me a month-"

"Eren, you're rambling." He looked between the shaking hands and shifting eyes and wondered what could be that shameful.

"Right! Right... The thing is I never kissed anybody..."

At last he managed to find the other's eyes, but Levi's expression was blank as always.

"That's... it?"

"Ugh, what do you mean that's it?" He hastily messed his hair, cheeks reddening by the second. "Isn't it super weird? I mean, I'm 23 for God's sake!" 

"Eren, please. It's not like we're pre-pubescent anymore when talking about jacking off was the highlight of locker room." Levi said, deadpanned expression still on point. "Besides, I haven't kissed anyone yet either."

"I know we're not dumb teenagers- _wait_ , I mean, you haven't?!" He asked, eyes wide.

Levi rolled his eyes "No, no I haven't. Think about it, do you remember me having any interest in anyone ever?"

"Well, now that you mentioned..."

"Ugh." Levi went to his back, laying his head above his crossed arms. "That's nothing to be ashamed of, I can't even believe I was expecting some huge dark secret like you pissing your pants until you were thirteen.

"Hey! Stop remembering that already!"

An umcomfortable silence hanged between them for reasons Levi couldn't understand. He had the feeling that it was not just that, because Eren wouldn't be the kind to worry of being shamed by Levi of all persons. Still, he wouldn't press it.

After what felt like a long time, Eren finally said. "That was not all, though."

Levi turned on his side again, staring at Eren's determined eyes. "What is it, then?"

"I mean... I was thinking... You're my best friend, right?" He paused for a bit and Levi gave the smallest nods. 'As if he needs comfirmation for that...' "Then... Who would be better to give my first kiss then... you" His voice small by the time he finished the sentence.

Levi blinked once. Twice.

"I mean, I just want to know how it feels, everyone is always over glamourizing it, right? I just want to know, haha." He laughed nervously and turned on his other side, face to the couch. "Let's just forget I asked, it was kinda ridiculous."

'What is the downside, though' the smaller man thought. It's just to know, after all. Himself couldn't deny that he always wondered what was so great about exchanging saliva. It's gotta be real good if people would risk all those germs for that.

"Okay."

"W-what? Okay?"

"Yeah, okay. Turn around already."

Eren slowly turned, cheeks completely red again. It was something small and insignificant, but Levi always noticed that Eren's cheeks would flame bright red, but his ears stayed their normal color. His ears only turned red when he lied. It was kind of cute.

"Um, how do we do this?"

"Don't ask _me_ , I never kissed anyone." He exasperated.

"Ok! Okay, I'll just... do what I've seen, ok?"

"Yes."

"Alright..."

He inched forward. He raised his hand tentativaly and pressed it kindly against Levi's cheeks. Levi could feel himself getting red now. It could be just his impression, but Eren's eyes looked tender and intimate as if they were trying to comunicate 'It's alright, I've got this' and Levi never felt more close to seeing a real Eren, to seeing Eren, to completely see through him inside out.

He felt his breath speed up. He could feel the brunet getting closer, the hand on his cheek bringing him forward and he felt completely energized. He thought if his expression could talk, it would probably be saying 'Hurry up!'. Eren's eyes shifted to his lips and back to his eyes and that took his breath all out again.

Levi suddenly sprang forward and smashed his lips on the other's quickly opening his mouth and trying heatedly imitate what he thought he knew. Their tongues pushed against each other and they also clanked their teeths a few times. Levi thought it must have looked virginal and juvenile, inexperienced, but when Eren suddenly bit his bottom lip and dragged his tongue on it, he couldn't think. His right hand tightened on the taller's t-shirt while their lips kept moving against each other.

They finally separated, a smacking sound echoed through the room. Eren softly brushed his tumb on the corner of his lips. His hazed mind registered late that he was just cleaning a drop of saliva. Cheeks more red than ever, Levi looked down, not wanting to be the first to talk.

"That was..." he felt himself shutting his eyes in expectation "okay? I guess..."

Levi's head sprung up "Yeah. Okay." He said tightly.

"I think I had this idea that was going to be awesome from how anyone talks about it, but it wasn't all that."

"You're right. It wasn't." His gut churned uncomfortably.

"Thanks, Levi! I hope it wasn't too awkward, haha..." Eren tried putting his hand behind his neck, but noticed they were still holding each other.

Hastily separating, the shortest turned around on the other side. "It was no problem. I'm feeling kinda sleepy. G'night."

"Goodnight?" He could hear the other's confusion, but a yawn soon followed with the sounds of shuffling around and finally silence.

Levi slowly grabbed his t-shirt. He couldn't understand what just happened. His heartbeat could probably be heard thorough all the apartment and his breath was still having a hard time staying under control. He swalloed twice, thrice, his throat feeling dry and his hands were sweating cold.

He didn't understand any of that, but Eren was right. The kiss, _this kiss_ wasn't a big deal: it was just a kiss to satiate their curiosity. His body's reactions were probably just automatic... stuff that happened to bodies when people kissed. Eren was probably going through the same thing- except the unexpectadly loud snore showed him that his friend was actually very much asleep.

'Whatever'. It wasn't a big deal. This was a one time thing and kissing Eren or anyone really wouldn't probably happen for some time. Except that thought churned his gut again and his trembling hands still haven't calmed.

"Nope." He said to himself. That was just a normal body reaction. All was fine.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Except it wasn't.

That fateful night Levi secretly called the 'Night-that-must-not-be-mentioned' night (or NTMNBM for short) was three weeks ago and the effects of that happening were apparently long lasting. He remembered not being able to go back to sleep in Armin's floor, so he took the early morning bus back to his dorm. His roomate was already asleep and there was no one to judge just the amount of time Levi wasted trying not to think of the kiss and failing.

Nowadays, whenever he tried to talk to Eren, the same thing happened again. Palms sweaty, heartbeat going crazy and this odd desire of both fleeing and jumping to his arms at the same time. Ugh. Disgusting. He wasn't a romantic comedy protagonist and this could NOT be happening to his love life. He never even thought he had a love life, but apparently he did. That's why he called the specialist of anyone's love life, Isabel, before it could get through his best friend's skull that he was already avoiding him for a few days.

"Just what is the problem, dearest bro of mine?" She happily walked through the coffee shop quickly reaching his table. Isabel knew something was wrong because Levi especifically asked her to not tell anything to Farlan. He couldn't possibly stand the humiliation of talking about this with another person.

"Sit, I need advice" He asked bluntly. There were already two coffee cups on his table and the third one was in order.

"Look, I'm not one to talk, but should you really be drinking that much coffee? Don't you usually have tea anyw- _Ohh_ , I get it! It's a critical situation, right?"

"Ugh, just sit and stay quiet for three seconds, I need to recompose myself."

Isabel did what asked, but her curious eyes and humming didn't help much. A waitress came to ask what she wanted and she ordered a chocolate milkshake. Long minutes passed before Levi sighed and looked her in the eye.

"I have this problem."

"Yeah, I think I noticed that."

"I'm going to tell you the situation in the most automatic and robotic way I can, alright?"

"Spill it, brother."

He managed to recount the night after Armin's party from his and Eren's somewhat embarrassing confessions (to which Isabel managed to actually hold a few chuckles and only snort loudly) to Eren's _brilliant_ idea, sarcasm noted, the surprisingly and dreadfully wonderful kiss, which he tried to convey with not much adjectives, and his best friend's reaction compared to his reaction.

"Now I can't handle being near him because it... I don't know, it feels like too much, but that's ridiculous, right? People don't develop feelings with just a kiss!"

Isabel seemed pensative for a second before reaching out and taking his hand.

"I'm not trying to sound condescending, but it sounds to me that you already reached a conclusion." She said, seriously for the first time in the conversation. "You already know you like him, you're just in the denial phase."

"But I never thought about him this way before! We've been friends for years!"

"Exactly, Levi! You guys have been friends for years, _you_ have been his _best_ friend for years. Time and intimacy enough to fall in... love." She said hesitantly. He hadn't said the word 'love' anywhere in the conversation, but to her it seemed obvious. "Maybe you never noticed because you were content with what you had. Now that you, a-hem, had a taste" She winked "your feelings just hit you full force!" She suddenly let go of his hands and throwed her arms excitedly. "And that's so cool! You and Eren make such a good couple!"

He fell silent, trying to process her words. It... did make sense. Thinking better, Levi might remember feeling something akin to a flutter on his stomach when they touched. He might have imagined marrying Eren when he was eleven. He just might have imagined them holding hands or cuddling non-platonically before.

"What about his reaction, though?" He said quietly. "He didn't exactly sound all that impressed or loveheaded with our kiss..."

She hummed dramatically "Maybe he didn't realized himself. Or maybe..." She said, voice small.

"Or maybe he doesn't have feelings for me." Levi finished, feeling the now all too familiar umcomfortable sensation gripping his heart.

Isabel smiled sympathetically, but didn't said anything else.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Levi spent the next few days cleaning his dorm or sleeping. His roomate was visiting his family and classes were finished for winter break. Soon it would be his birthday, but he didn't felt like celebrating it, particularly. He knew this sudden sadness came from his recently discovered feelings for Eren, and he couldn't help but wanting to spend the whole day in bed. Farlan and Isabel would probably drag him out of his room on the holidays and he'd have to put a fake smile then, but right now he just wanted to sleep.

He was still ignoring Eren but the other didn't notice or haven't confronted him about it. That was also one reason to be sad.

The duvet was finally covering his body perfectly and he finally found a perfect sleeping position when there was a loud bang on his door.

"Ugh." He angrily set his comforter aside and stomped to the door, opening hastily. "Who is it?!"

"It's me, Eren!" The other pushed through the door, noticing Levi's surprised expression, his own brows frowning. "Ya know, your best friend who you ignored for days on end?! _That_ Eren!"

Levi could only stare stupefied at the figure that plagued his thoughts, recently. "What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here?! How about you answer why you've been ignoring me when I did nothing wrong, huh?!" He said, voice bordering on shouting. "I tried to give you space but what the fuck?! A week is a bit too long, don't you think?"

The shortest could only sigh "I wasn't ignoring you. Go away." He definitely didn't want Eren finding out about his feelings. He had enough time to think about it and that would only lead to sadness, heartbreak and a ruined friendship.

"Oh no? Then explain how I couldn't reach you until now? Are you telling me your phone is the one ignoring me, not you?!"

" _Shut up_ , I was having a hard time, I'm okay now!"

Eren's frown suddenly morphed into a look of concern, bitting his lips while examining the room. "How long have you been locked in here cleaning?"

Levi looked at the floor, guiltily. "A few days, I think." His best friend knew he wasted his frustration through cleaning and that a cleaning session was also cleansing to his soul. Spending days cleaning, though? That hadn't happened since high school.

The brunet sighed and pulled at Levi's wrist. "C'mon, gimme a hug and we'll marathon something on netflix."

He gulped with his suddenly dry throath and let himself be buried in Eren's chest. The smell of his cologne mixed with a bit of sweat should have disgusted him, but it was soothing instead. Levi really missed him.

They spent the night watching different shows and cartoons and when Levi leaned his head on Eren shoulder and the other also leaned against him he felt like crying and laughing at the same time.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Another categorized incident was added to Levi's list. The 'Fuck, I'm fucked, shit' incident (or FIFS for short). The day when they reconciled would be considered good if not for the fact that Levi realized that hiding his feelings was hard. In Eren's company, he had to struggle with himself to not lean easily to the touch, to not make sudden affectionate movements, to control his heartbeat that was certain to be heard. Sometimes his best friend would do something not even related to anything romantic at all, but Levi would feel a fondness within him so big it felt like his chest could explode. Sometimes he had to remember himself that Eren felt nothing towards Levi and he could never reveal his feelings. Never. This is for the best.

He talked to his mother the other day and she begged him to come home during christmas. They had a difficult relationship, but he loved her, really did. The thing is that usually after a talk with her, he would go to Eren's and they would play videogames or talk shit and although Levi never told him about the reason for this ritual, Eren knew. He just knew. 

Never went after his mother called, though. Levi just felt like burying his face in the pillow and maybe suffocatting because this was _ridiculous_. If he couldn't control himself around Eren, then this relationship was doomed, Levi's feelings be damned. He never thought he could be such a coward, a sappy coward above that and his self-confidence decreased with the thought.

"This is so dumb." He sighed.

"What is?"

He spun around so fast his head got dizzy.

Eren was there, just opening his door with a doritos pack in one hand and a bottle of coke in the other. He completely forgot that they agreed to hanging out at Levi's place that night.

"Nothing is." He dismissed the other quickly.

"Aw, c'mon." Eren sitted cross legged on the floor. "You think I didn't noticed you're hiding something from me?"

"What?" all the air left Levi's lungs. It couldn't be, just couldn't. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, for one there's the fact that you ignored me a _lot_." Levi's faintly 'I didn't' in the back didn't interrupted him. "Then you've been cleaning this place very regularly. Much more than you often do. Also Isabel _might_ have asked me to keep an eye on you."

"What?!" He asked. Suddenly, the 'I just want to help you' text she sent earlier this week started to make sense. He was pissed beyond belief. "Fucking traitor!"

"A-ha! So there is something!" Eren happily stuffed his mouth full of Doritos while Levi paced around the dorm.

"I'm going to so kill her, she will be _dead_ dead!"

"That doesn't make sense, tho."

Levi sighed exasperatedly and glared at Eren with much venom. "Look, I really don't want your shitty sense of humor right now."

"What the fuck? Don't project your anger into me, dude."

"Well, the thing is, _Eren_ " he pratically spitted the name. "You've been very much ruining my life, lately."

"Ok, shut up. What's going on?" He stood up and, for the first time ever, Levi didn't felt like the taller of the two. Suddenly, Eren's height advantage almost intimidated him.

"Look" he reasoned. "I'm sorry, I didn't meant that."

"No, wait, you're not realizing I'm not asking that right now, I'm asking in general. What the hell is going on with you?"

"Nothing is going on, Eren. I'm sorry, but I want to be alone." He weakly pushed the other's chest. He knew he was losing this discussion and Eren was a persistent bastard. Levi was tired.

"Don't you think I've left you alone enough? I gave you time, now I want to know what's happening because I'm your best friend!" The words stung through Levi's chest and left a bad taste in his mouth although he knew he had _no_ right. No right.

"Stop, just go! You're pissing me off!" That was wrong, this unwanted feelings were pissing him off, the memory of that fucking kiss was pissing him off. He pushed more.

" _You_ 're angry?!"

"Yes, I'm fucking angry!"

"Oh my God," The other shouted, pushing Levi back. "Look at you! Why are you so sensitive this days?!"

"Because I'm in love with you, idiot!"

The silence was deafening.

Levi hastily looked down. 'Idiot, Idiot! Fucking dumb!' he kept repeating. Couldn't keep his mouth shut. He always prouded himself of being able to be calm and patient in whatever situation, now look at this.

"Levi-"

"Go away. Please." He said in the most calm voice he managed.

More silence. Levi couldn't bear to look Eren in the eye.

"Look at me."

"Just go." His voice was almost a whisper.

Warm hands pulled his face up, facing two beautiful and calm green eyes. He could feel the stinging of tears threatening to spill. It was so humiliating.

"I... I don't..." Eren hesitated and Levi's chest was feeling very constricted. All of this was leaving him breathless and not the good kind. Not the kind Eren's kiss has left him.

"I know." Because that's all he could say.

Eren hugged him then, but he never felt more distant.

"We can try." He said quietly, head leaning on Levi's.

"No." Never like this.

"Okay..."


End file.
